Our journey through life seems to involve many transitions. From childhood to adulthood, from fragmentation to wholeness, from disharmony to harmony, from illusion to reality, and ultimately, from suffering to freedom.
Now in my middle years, looking back on life, I see that in seeking avoidance of suffering I travelled the path of surrender. Not the surrender of acceptance but surrender to desire.
For a time, the joy of bodily exploring the sensual world and with luminous presence, to fully inhabit those luxurious and intoxicating moments, was, in a limited way, fulfilling. Except that living within the brightly burning flame of desire, lost in the intensity of its glare was the subtlety and magic of life’s whispering conversation.
Within this flame there is no quiet but the quiet of exhaustion.
In my voracious appetite to feed the flame, I drew things to me. Objects, potions, people, sensations. One moment holding them tightly, as if within them was my salvation. The next, casting them aside as spent and worthless.
Now, I pass from childhood to adulthood. With each footstep my body aches with a different pain. No longer the pain of desire but the pain of presence.
There is still a flame but this flame is of truth. A flame that burns away illusion and lights the path to this next transition.
This transition seems the inverse to the carnal nature of my youth and those years demanding fulfilment from each moment. Now, from each moment I ask for little yet receive so much. The World saturates my naked awareness, piercing my heart with it’s almost unbearable presence. Joy, pain, love, rage, yet little desire but for the desire to escape the confines of this flesh and once again to become light.
Until that final transition, for now, I am here, and here, beyond a life, lived solely for myself, I find redemption. The mystery blossoms into being, moments pass into time, a gradual unfolding begins.